Halloween #1
Halloween #2
Halloween #3...
Last Days of Daddy
1 day ago
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Underwriters and Neurologists
So, it's been a crazy few months. We have been trying to get approved for a mortgage, because we live in the ghetto, but no one wants to work with us. Our credit scores are fine, our debt to income ratio is fine it all comes down to two issues; the fact that I didn't work for 2 years and Jacob's medical bills. I wrote letter after letter to explain why I stayed home with our sick son, yeah...they didn't care, they felt I should have been working and the fact that I stayed home proves we are a risk somehow???? It still doesn't make any sense to me... Also, they were freaked out by the fact that at one point Jacob had such massive medical bills. Note: they no longer exist, but they wanted us to prove that we will never again have a child with extensive medical bills....OK...good luck with that :) So we've decided to finish out our lease and try again in the spring, please God grant us the control to not yell at our silly neighbors when they hold their Metallica concerts at 2am...what a joy!
The other fun development has been my silly body, it decided that muscle tremors, headaches, vision disturbances and dizziness was what I needed in my life. After seeing several basic docs for basic medical tests to rule out blood sugar issues, etc... I was referred to Neuro. At first they thought it was a classic presentation of MS (multiple sclerosis)... not too thrilled about this option but I went through all the tests to see what we could find. Let me say this, now I know why they sedate kids for an MRI, I have never felt so claustraphobic in my life! So anyway, several tests and a few weeks later...I'm fine, nothing is wrong. So what is going on? Possibly an odd presentation of migranes...I guess we'll have to wait and see. But the doc told me I should feel great that we didn't fine anything, I tend to agree but then what is going on...oh well, I guess we'll just keep looking. Blah...happy Tuesday night everyone!!!
The other fun development has been my silly body, it decided that muscle tremors, headaches, vision disturbances and dizziness was what I needed in my life. After seeing several basic docs for basic medical tests to rule out blood sugar issues, etc... I was referred to Neuro. At first they thought it was a classic presentation of MS (multiple sclerosis)... not too thrilled about this option but I went through all the tests to see what we could find. Let me say this, now I know why they sedate kids for an MRI, I have never felt so claustraphobic in my life! So anyway, several tests and a few weeks later...I'm fine, nothing is wrong. So what is going on? Possibly an odd presentation of migranes...I guess we'll have to wait and see. But the doc told me I should feel great that we didn't fine anything, I tend to agree but then what is going on...oh well, I guess we'll just keep looking. Blah...happy Tuesday night everyone!!!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Much Ado About Jacob
Warning: This post is ALL about my beautiful son, those who are tired of the subject or faint of heart please turn back now!
With that out of the way, let's begin. In the last four weeks we celebrated Jacob's 2nd birthday, our 3rd anniversary, received all of his medical records from Primary Children's and this next week it has been 6 months since he passed away. Side note: Isn't it interesting how we say passed away almost as if that is nicer than saying they died, just a thought... Anyway, September has been very emotional to say the least. Below are the beautiful roses Moroni sent me, at work, for our 3rd anniversary. He always has remembered my favorite color is this pinky orangy yellowy rose, I love how bright and vibrant they are. He also got big time kudos points for also sending chocolate covered strawberries...yummy!! Good job honey, now how are you going to top this next year?
For Jacob's birthday we wanted to give a present to the NICU, since we could not buy him anything. They go through tons of fleece blankets so I bought several different kinds of fleece and cut out blankets they could use. I ended up with 12 swaddle bath blankets, 14 isolette blankets and 2 full size blankets. The nurses were grateful and it made us feel good to be able to give back to them. The NICU bought us a 'Happy Birthday' balloon and had everyone sign it for Jacob, it was adorable. They said we could release it but I really wanted to keep it so it floated around the house for a week until the helium was gone. It made me smile to find it in a different part of the house every time I came home, it made me remember Jacob and all his wandering around the house smiling as he went. Thanks NICU gang, it was very sweet of you to remember our little peanut!
As we came to J's 2nd birthday I must admit it was harder than I thought it would be. It's been almost six months since he passed away so we have found a sort of rhythm by now for living. Most days we remember him with great fondness and we cry only on the other days now. But man did this whole Bday thing slap me in the face. Mostly, I confess, I cried about what I was missing. I know, how selfish is that... Let me explain, when you have a child you're automatically in this club of other people with babies. Suddenly you have things in common with people you have never met, people will come across the aisle in WalMart to tell you what a cute baby you have, there are more things for you to discuss with your sisters...it's a world filled with new friends. When you have a preemie or a child with medical issues (or both) you also have this medical world that is even more closely knit. As you all sit at the NeoNatal FollowUp Clinic you give meaningful looks across the room at the sight of an oxygen tank, both of you understanding, without words, the laughs and pains of oxygen. There is a lingo no one else knows like IUGR, ROP, tender grips, CCs, and so on. You may even use the same specialists and I guarantee you will all agree the hot dogs at Primary Children's are the best for lunch! It's glorious club within a club. When my sweet Jacob died in one instant I lost both. Now I'm just another rushed shopper in the grocery store and I will never know the rest of the story for our medical friends we met along the way. Both ceased to exist in my world, that along with my Jacob leaving me...I have never felt so alone in all my life. I had to come to terms with the fact that 'life goes on' as friends and family became pregnant, moved away and moved on. No longer did I have daily phone calls from family wondering how Big J was doing, no longer were there doctor calls to make, things to chart, excerises to do...it was just gone, all of it. It was just Moroni and I looking to each other for comfort not quite knowing what to do. For two years we had divided and conquered to keep the family afloat, we rarely spent meaningful time together I am ashamed to admit. When our son died it left two lonely adults staring at each other trying hard to remember what once comforted the other. Moroni was so frustrated with me. He felt I did not understand how difficult it had been for him to be the breadwinner, to have all the financial pressure on him. To have to keep a job he was not happy with because we needed the good insurance for J. To always have to hear about the surgeries and procedures at work, rarely able to be there due to work. To have to fight back fears and concerns at work and just get the job done. And I must admit I felt bitterness towards my wonderful husband. I felt he had no clue how difficult my job was, to have to remember all of the doctors instructions, appointments and medications and follow through correctly. To be up most nights and all day with our son. To be the one who worried thorough surgeries alone, called 911 many a time and gave CPR only to fail in the end at saving my son... It was a rough time.
But we have used the last 6 months well and I think our hearts are finally starting to heal and I know we love each other more for the experience. So...where was I...Jacob's birthday brought back some of these old feelings which made the day difficult. But we celebrated the best we could and looked at the pictures from his 1st birthday with joy in our hearts. When J turned 1 he was just into 3-6 months clothes, he was not eating baby food yet only bottles, he was not rolling over and he could not hold his head up off the ground while on his tummy. He was darn cute, but he was still a lump of playdough...but a darn cute lump of playdough.
Daddy helped him smear the cake around but he was not too sure of it. Textures still freaked him out at this point :) But side note again, Albertsons will give you a free one layer Bday cake for your little one on their first Bday only if you go into the bakery and ask. Free and chocolate, you can't go wrong! This was a cute little video I took of him on his birthday, I loved his smile :)
Finally I guess I just wanted to say a few words about his medical records. I requested them all, not really sure why I just thought maybe it would tell me something, anything, I just wanted another piece of my boy. I guess what I learned is that Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. The more I read I realized that poor, sweet boy would have continued to have problems his entire life. And while I would have gladly done what it took to take care of him, how much would Jacob have continued to suffer? Doctor note after doctor note questioned his ability to handle to intensity of the seizures, the long term prognosis for his GI system, and his development just did not want to catch up. His Neurologist felt he had long term nerve damage due to prematurity or whatever else which would account for why he could not take weight in his legs and could not sit up, as he felt his trunk was affected as well. He even noted he did not understand why he was able to crawl, he felt that should have been impossible for Jacob. That one I have to credit to Jacob and Heavenly Father. Heavenly Father was kind enough to grant Jacob a final gift of freedom before He took him home. I never saw J happier than when he was exploring the house, my boy fought so hard he deserved this.
So six months later, where does this leave us? Yes, the EMT garbage is still in his room but I have been able to sort and part with a few of his things. I know his socks will keep little toes warm and that his bath toy will bring smiles, the rest will have to wait. I know I will be willing to embrace the idea, someday, that the only child I will ever bear in this life is gone...but that has been a bitter pill for me to swallow. Adoption? Maybe someday, I just cannot imagine they would give me a baby with all my medical issues...but I guess you never know. I will wait for Heavenly Father to prompt me in that direction if it's meant to be. Either way, everynight as I says my prayers I will continue to ask Heavenly Father to tell Jacob I love him. That I am proud of the work he did here on the earth and pround of what he will continue to do. I guess when you are given a spiritual giant for a son you cannot keep him to yourself, Jacob has many to teach about how to endure trials with faith and courage and a cute little smile on your face! Love you buddy!!!!!!
With that out of the way, let's begin. In the last four weeks we celebrated Jacob's 2nd birthday, our 3rd anniversary, received all of his medical records from Primary Children's and this next week it has been 6 months since he passed away. Side note: Isn't it interesting how we say passed away almost as if that is nicer than saying they died, just a thought... Anyway, September has been very emotional to say the least. Below are the beautiful roses Moroni sent me, at work, for our 3rd anniversary. He always has remembered my favorite color is this pinky orangy yellowy rose, I love how bright and vibrant they are. He also got big time kudos points for also sending chocolate covered strawberries...yummy!! Good job honey, now how are you going to top this next year?
For Jacob's birthday we wanted to give a present to the NICU, since we could not buy him anything. They go through tons of fleece blankets so I bought several different kinds of fleece and cut out blankets they could use. I ended up with 12 swaddle bath blankets, 14 isolette blankets and 2 full size blankets. The nurses were grateful and it made us feel good to be able to give back to them. The NICU bought us a 'Happy Birthday' balloon and had everyone sign it for Jacob, it was adorable. They said we could release it but I really wanted to keep it so it floated around the house for a week until the helium was gone. It made me smile to find it in a different part of the house every time I came home, it made me remember Jacob and all his wandering around the house smiling as he went. Thanks NICU gang, it was very sweet of you to remember our little peanut!
As we came to J's 2nd birthday I must admit it was harder than I thought it would be. It's been almost six months since he passed away so we have found a sort of rhythm by now for living. Most days we remember him with great fondness and we cry only on the other days now. But man did this whole Bday thing slap me in the face. Mostly, I confess, I cried about what I was missing. I know, how selfish is that... Let me explain, when you have a child you're automatically in this club of other people with babies. Suddenly you have things in common with people you have never met, people will come across the aisle in WalMart to tell you what a cute baby you have, there are more things for you to discuss with your sisters...it's a world filled with new friends. When you have a preemie or a child with medical issues (or both) you also have this medical world that is even more closely knit. As you all sit at the NeoNatal FollowUp Clinic you give meaningful looks across the room at the sight of an oxygen tank, both of you understanding, without words, the laughs and pains of oxygen. There is a lingo no one else knows like IUGR, ROP, tender grips, CCs, and so on. You may even use the same specialists and I guarantee you will all agree the hot dogs at Primary Children's are the best for lunch! It's glorious club within a club. When my sweet Jacob died in one instant I lost both. Now I'm just another rushed shopper in the grocery store and I will never know the rest of the story for our medical friends we met along the way. Both ceased to exist in my world, that along with my Jacob leaving me...I have never felt so alone in all my life. I had to come to terms with the fact that 'life goes on' as friends and family became pregnant, moved away and moved on. No longer did I have daily phone calls from family wondering how Big J was doing, no longer were there doctor calls to make, things to chart, excerises to do...it was just gone, all of it. It was just Moroni and I looking to each other for comfort not quite knowing what to do. For two years we had divided and conquered to keep the family afloat, we rarely spent meaningful time together I am ashamed to admit. When our son died it left two lonely adults staring at each other trying hard to remember what once comforted the other. Moroni was so frustrated with me. He felt I did not understand how difficult it had been for him to be the breadwinner, to have all the financial pressure on him. To have to keep a job he was not happy with because we needed the good insurance for J. To always have to hear about the surgeries and procedures at work, rarely able to be there due to work. To have to fight back fears and concerns at work and just get the job done. And I must admit I felt bitterness towards my wonderful husband. I felt he had no clue how difficult my job was, to have to remember all of the doctors instructions, appointments and medications and follow through correctly. To be up most nights and all day with our son. To be the one who worried thorough surgeries alone, called 911 many a time and gave CPR only to fail in the end at saving my son... It was a rough time.
But we have used the last 6 months well and I think our hearts are finally starting to heal and I know we love each other more for the experience. So...where was I...Jacob's birthday brought back some of these old feelings which made the day difficult. But we celebrated the best we could and looked at the pictures from his 1st birthday with joy in our hearts. When J turned 1 he was just into 3-6 months clothes, he was not eating baby food yet only bottles, he was not rolling over and he could not hold his head up off the ground while on his tummy. He was darn cute, but he was still a lump of playdough...but a darn cute lump of playdough.
Daddy helped him smear the cake around but he was not too sure of it. Textures still freaked him out at this point :) But side note again, Albertsons will give you a free one layer Bday cake for your little one on their first Bday only if you go into the bakery and ask. Free and chocolate, you can't go wrong! This was a cute little video I took of him on his birthday, I loved his smile :)
Finally I guess I just wanted to say a few words about his medical records. I requested them all, not really sure why I just thought maybe it would tell me something, anything, I just wanted another piece of my boy. I guess what I learned is that Heavenly Father knows what He is doing. The more I read I realized that poor, sweet boy would have continued to have problems his entire life. And while I would have gladly done what it took to take care of him, how much would Jacob have continued to suffer? Doctor note after doctor note questioned his ability to handle to intensity of the seizures, the long term prognosis for his GI system, and his development just did not want to catch up. His Neurologist felt he had long term nerve damage due to prematurity or whatever else which would account for why he could not take weight in his legs and could not sit up, as he felt his trunk was affected as well. He even noted he did not understand why he was able to crawl, he felt that should have been impossible for Jacob. That one I have to credit to Jacob and Heavenly Father. Heavenly Father was kind enough to grant Jacob a final gift of freedom before He took him home. I never saw J happier than when he was exploring the house, my boy fought so hard he deserved this.
So six months later, where does this leave us? Yes, the EMT garbage is still in his room but I have been able to sort and part with a few of his things. I know his socks will keep little toes warm and that his bath toy will bring smiles, the rest will have to wait. I know I will be willing to embrace the idea, someday, that the only child I will ever bear in this life is gone...but that has been a bitter pill for me to swallow. Adoption? Maybe someday, I just cannot imagine they would give me a baby with all my medical issues...but I guess you never know. I will wait for Heavenly Father to prompt me in that direction if it's meant to be. Either way, everynight as I says my prayers I will continue to ask Heavenly Father to tell Jacob I love him. That I am proud of the work he did here on the earth and pround of what he will continue to do. I guess when you are given a spiritual giant for a son you cannot keep him to yourself, Jacob has many to teach about how to endure trials with faith and courage and a cute little smile on your face! Love you buddy!!!!!!
Monday, September 7, 2009
How is MoMo doing? Who knows, you probably see him more than I do.
I know it's been awhile, I'm trying to catch up! Moroni, or MoMo as my family calls him, has now been in the Bishopric for little over a month. It's going well, we use more dress socks than we used to. He is pickier about the ties he wears and how often he wears them. Other than the fact I never see him it's going quite well :) No, it's not that bad just an adjustment. On Sundays he is gone from around 6am to 5pm, but at least now I can get in an afternoon nap without being bothered. I know I'm aweful, but when you're tired you're tired! I love you dear but leave me alone :) Oh those Scott genes and our silly reliance on sleep... But I have been very impressed by how well he has jumped into his new role. He spoke on Sunday and I was struck by how confident he was and how clearly his point came across. In many ways it reminded me of the way my father speaks, I was very proud of him. Lots more has happened the last month but that will have to be saved for later, my break at work is done.
Friday, August 14, 2009
New Political Blog
For those of you that visit my blog and are are frustrated with the current state of politics, like I am, I want to let you know my brilliant brother has a new blog. Jon is starting Law school at the University of Iowa this semester and started his blog http://gladlystandup.blogspot.com/ to help confront political issues from the LDS perspective. I have been impressed by his thoughts and ideas, so check it out!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Temple Open House
The end of Alyssa and Kade's wonderful visit was attending the open house for the Oquirrh Mountain Temple open house. Like all of the temples the LDS Church builds it was beautiful and quite unique. The feeling of peace there was incredible, a great ending to a great weekend.
I love the fountains!
This is Alyssa acting happy, Kade confused and Moroni (or MoMo as the nieces and nephews call him) looks like an FBI agent :)
It was so refreshing to my spirit to go to this house of the Lord and remind myself that life is all about perspective. As we entered the Celestial Room I felt Jacob next to me so strongly...it was what I needed, man I love that little guy! As we start this new adventure in life I have recommitted myself to remaining positive about life. Not everything that happens to us is bad, everything has a purpose and the Lord does not leave us. When things are easy we do not grow, when things are easy we typically do not fall to our knees and plead for help from God...if it makes me a stronger person and makes me worthy of my amazing husband and perfect son I will gladly do what my Heavenly Father asks of me. Moroni was set apart as 2nd Coun. in our new Bishopric at church today, I will write more about that later, but suffice it to say I feel the Lord has prepared us for this task. We will do what He asks.
Pioneer Day Parade
This year as part of Moroni's 31st birthday, which happens to fall on July 24th, we attended the 'Days of 47 Parade' here in Salt Lake. My twin sister Alyssa and her oldest son Kade decided to come down from Washington State to visit so we had a nice little party in the heat. The horses were gorgeous and the clowns were quite funny. It was neat to see President Henry B Eyring and his wife in the parade this year, and in a cowboy hat at that!
The floats were fun, only in Utah would various stakes of the church submit floats for a town parade.
I was impressed by people standing on horses. Didn't look terribly safe to me, but hey whatever floats your boat.
Kade got quite thirsty as the temperature started to rise. He did a great job staying hydrated as you can see :)
Alyssa and Kade watching the parade.
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